“The capacity to be alone, is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it’s not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person without possesing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other”. – OSHO
As I continue to grow, learn, and journey through this lifetime, I find myself continuously awakened to all sorts of lessons and revelations. One of the most significant of those lessons and revelations, so far, has been the art of loving without attachment. I say ‘art’ as I’m learning that to love without attachment is something so pure and almost transcendent, that as an Earthling, I find it amongst the most difficult journies to embark on.
Love, this absolutely beautiful, intense, omnipresent, pure, divine, feeling, emotion, energy, frequency, or however you choose to define this undefinable thing. This thing we not only feel for our significant others but also that which we feel when we look at our parents, siblings, friends, children, pets, nature, ourselves (hopefully, we often seem to forget that last one) and all of the above.
This very pure, and very real emotion and energy which rushes through us in such an unmistakable way, this feeling that just kind of sits in your chest demanding to be felt. This is the true core of our being. But how can I possibly surrender to this emotion without attaching to the object of this affection? How can I possibly not attach without becoming indifferent?
As I find myself currently in love and connected with someone beyond anything I ever knew possible, I also find myself confronted with the constant threat of losing myself within the beauty and love of that other person. The more ‘brain wave connected’ we become, the more I learn how truly important it is not to lose my individuality within that. Not just for myself, but for the sake of all my relationships.
The more ‘in tune’ we become, the more I learn how you cannot truly give to another, that which you do not have for yourself. “You can’t serve from an empty vessel”. If you’re not happy, healthy and loving with yourself and by yourself, how can you even begin to have that within any relationship? The more I realize how you cannot place the burden of your sole happiness, joy, and well-being, on the shoulders of those you love. That is what deteriorates the essence of love from something so pure and magical to something so painful and possessive.
“Immature people falling in love destroy each other’s freedom, create a bondage, make a prison. Mature persons in love help each other to be free; they help each other to destroy all sorts of bondages. And when love flows with freedom there is beauty. When love flows with dependence there is ugliness.” – OSHO
We are responsible for our own well-being. For our own love, joy, happiness and health. And it is only in realizing this, that we can truly connect with those we love. Yet, within our own unique, individual, paths, and journies, also realizing that ultimately, we are one. It is only by being ‘alone’ that you can truly be ‘all one’ within your relationships. (Oh, what a wonderful paradox this life is).
This attachment thing doesn’t just apply to my partner, though, it applies to all things and people I love. I find myself attached to identifications such as being ‘healthy and fit’, being an ‘island girl’, a ‘yogini’, a ‘climber’, a ‘woman’, a ‘daughter’, a ‘sister’, a ‘young professional’, a ‘student’. To the love and support from my family, to my parents, to my little brother, to my dog, to close friends, to accomplishments and goals. I’ve come to recognize attachment the moment I fear losing something, the moment a wave of anxiety hits as just the thought of no longer ‘obtaining’ that thing, experience or person crosses my mind.
And I realize, the anxiety, depression, hurt, irritation, anger, grief and annoyances that we all seem to face at certain moments in time, has very little to do with the circumstances themselves, and everything to do with our attachment to those circumstances. It’s confusing attachment for love which breaks hearts, it’s confusing who you truly, inherently are, at your core, with the identifications assigned to you by the world, and sometimes even by yourself which causes anxiety.
It’s attaching to the notion that living beings ‘die’ rather than simply ‘transform’ which causes grief. And, that’s not to say that we are not to feel any of these emotions, we need these emotions, feelings, and energies, it is part of our journey and growth. Without darkness, there is no light. But, learning how to welcome these emotions rather than attaching to them, identifying with them or becoming all consumed by them, is how we can start to take responsibility for our own lives.
As I’m writing this, I notice how easily these words seem to flow out from my fingertips, yet, how f*cking difficult it often seems to actually put into practice. When you’re faced with an illness of a loved one, a family almost falling apart, financial turmoil, heartbreak or death. It may seem like that light won’t be showing up anytime soon to relieve some of the darkness. But it always does. Life is always shifting and changing. So are we, nothing is static or absolute. The sooner we can relieve ourselves from attachment to expectations, circumstances, and indentifications, the sooner we can learn to truly, fully, love without attachment and live our authentic life. Ah, true freedom.
To love without attachment, what a trip that’s turning out to be. It’s like this constant balancing act, between loving wholeheartedly, unconditionally, passionately and trying not to pick that flower from its roots and claim it as your own. At the same time learning how to truly take responsibility for our lives instead of ‘falling victim’ to life’s circumstances. It’s not about what’s ‘happening to us’ it’s about how we choose to react.
And though I’m nowhere near figuring this thing out, I also remind myself that I’m already there. We already know. We just need to get through all the earthly clutter and listen in silence. To this thing called love, this state of ‘vibrational harmony’ which in its truest form, is free of all attachment.
Love & light,
One Comment Add yours
Boeiende gedachtegang, doet mij denken aan de ware liefde volgens Plato. Haalbaar tussen iedereen behalve tussen geliefden ? Een continue strijd die in deze tijd waarin relatie tussen partners op alle fronten anders ingevuld wordt en de idealen uit de tijd waarin we opgroeiden. Denk alleen maar eens aan de ‘ware liefde’ die in de populaire Disney films je ideeën daarover kleurden als kind.
Hoop dat je houvast zult hebben aan de filosofen die met dit dilemma al eeuwen geleden worstelden.