Not so long ago, I found myself in the midst of great rebellion, towards others, myself, my family and just life in general. It was a time of great heartache, numbness and almost complete abandon of any and all reverence. Though at that time, if you would have asked me I would have told you I was having the time of my life, and the truth is to some extent I actually was.
It was a time filled with that typical college experience, and then some. For two years there wasn’t a rave I would miss or a party I would say no to, a “good time” I would skip or a “new experience” I would pass up on. It was a never-ending self-destructive roller coaster of fun and thrills, which brought with it many consequences, some regrets and a sh*tload of growth.
I look back at that time with great joy and a smile on my face, because truth is, as much as many of the things that I got myself into back then might make me cringe today, it was a hell of a good time. Of course, on the surface that is. But I can also only look back at that time the way I do because I moved on the way I did. For some in my life at that time, that has unfortunately not been the case.
Though I might have been having fun back then, I was also not aware in that moment of the extent to which I was self-medicating, avoiding, running and hiding from an incredibly dark moment in time. Going through immense heartache and a whirlwind of soul-crushing moments, that are not just my stories to tell, but which tested the strength and love of a family beyond anything I thought I would ever experience.
So sure, did I have a good time with some crazy memories? Definitely. Do I regret that period in my life? Not in the slightest. There’s a lot I wish I would have done differently, like being there for certain people when I should have, and refraining from hurting others like I did. But I also know that all of that went exactly the way it should have gone, and I made the decisions I made that ultimately got me where I am, and at that moment in time, that was exactly the way I needed to process everything that was going on. It may have not been “the best” way, but it was at that moment my way. And boy, did it serve its purpose.
During those two years, I was learning a lot about myself while also kidding myself about a lot. At some point towards the end of that time, there was an instant indescribable shift. My body was done, my mind was done, my soul was done my heart had enough. All the things I used to love doing, my body was starting to reject, all the things I thought were fun, my mind started to object. It was time for a change, and it was coming whether I wanted it to or not.
I was starting to change in ways I felt I almost had no control over. I no longer ached for the parties, could no longer stand the numbness and was done with feeling like sh*t the next day, every day. It was over. Though I didn’t let it end without a fight, I kept trying, I kept pushing, I kept going to that which was familiar, I wanted to keep up with those closest to me who were still going full throttle, and God knows they were confused as well about the sudden change. The hardest thing wasn’t even letting go of that lifestyle, the hardest thing was my environment getting used to the fact that I was no longer “down” for everything. And of course, I mean for two years everyone around me knew no different.
It was almost as if I simply just ‘got over it’. It wasn’t an easy transition, but it was happening, and it was organic, natural, there was no outward decision made, and there was no stopping it. And I am so incredibly grateful that it went the way it did. It catapulted me into showing up for my life, facing my sh*t and reclaiming the fire and drive I had always had, but at some point seemed to have lost. I took a much needed and major detour. And for that I am grateful.
I recently came across a beautiful video from one of my absolute favorite inspirational leaders, Elena Brower, I was mesmerized by the way she presented this beautiful spoken word on “The ritual of recovery”. She hit every cord and I found myself nodding away at every word. It reminded me of my own journey, and of those around me who are still seeking theirs. I wish for everyone to take the time to be moved by this beautiful spoken word…
For those seeking their direction (as we all are, continuously, it’s never ending really, but how beautiful is that? Endless possibility for growth!) my hope is that this may serve you in any way you may need it, even if it’s just a small nudge towards a clearer perspective or a tiny shift into more self-love…
Now, I am by no means trying to lecture or preach to anyone. I am not even trying to tell you what’s a “good” or “bad” lifestyle, I think that’s personal, I know it was for me. At that moment time, it was a good lifestyle for me, it taught me what I needed to learn and served its purpose. At this time it no longer serves me. I firmly believe not just in what you do but the energy with which you do it. I still enjoy a good party with people I love and a great glass of wine with those I care for, but it is no longer a from a place of escape, the energy now behind it has shifted dramatically and beautifully. I have found a beautiful appreciation for the quality of experiences rather than the quantity of them.
And as for rebellion, I have by no means stopped rebelling. The only difference is that now, I no longer rebel against my health, I no longer rebel against my body, those I love or life. Now I rebel for my values, my convictions, and my beliefs, now I rebel for love, others, and health…
Love & light,
