I found myself standing in front of the kitchen window, looking out on the stunning view of bright, blue skies, and massive palm trees. The very things I have been longing for, for the longest time. The very things I thought I was seeking and needed. The very things that were slowly starting to mean very little…
As Life would have it, it never truly is about any of that, is it?
Earlier this year, I found myself chasing blue skies and palm trees like never before. It wasn’t much of a surprise, as an island girl turned urbanite – the longing and yearning for warmth and color was getting stronger and louder.
I found myself presented with an opportunity to go get exactly what (I thought) I was seeking. I jumped at the chance. I settled in quickly, I made it happen, and found my groove. But then something strange happened…
I found myself, rather quickly, wondering… ‘well, now what?’.
Things were fine, sun shining, blue skies, palm trees… but something wasn’t right.
It just wasn’t feeling like ‘it’.
Slowly the real value, and true essence of this journey was starting to reveal itself.
As things started shifting, and challenges were starting to pile up, the transformation and growth was coming in FULL FORCE.
It was fast and it was fierce.
The interesting thing is that the growth and transformation were happening on a deep internal level. From the outside you wouldn’t say anything was particularly going ‘wrong’.
I started being faced with situations that were triggering me like crazy, from the smallest things to the biggest (both being relative to perception, of course).
I found myself being confronted with myself and my shadow, over and over again. I found myself having to navigate, seemingly insignificant situations, which I had never before had to navigate, making them not so insignificant, after all.
I found msyelf going from living on my own for the past 6 years and building my business, to living with strangers for the first time ever and being employed (though I was still building my business on the side).
From having a high quality group of people in my life, to being surrounded by not a single one I could trust (of course, my partner was my rock in all of it, and so were my family and friends – despite the distance between us).
I felt like I took 5 steps back. But little did I know I was being pulled back so hard, only to be shot forward, in ways I wouldn’t have expected.
What felt like a total sh*tshow turned out to be a total case of growing pains, and total reconstruction of perspective.
Constantly confronted with myself, and with those pesky unhealed parts within that were still waiting to be tended to.
A new perspective developed, a clearer vision, a stronger trust in myself and what I was building, a fresh outlook, and ultimately – something so bright, and so colorful, not a single piece of the sky or palm tree could compete.
The realization that – as always – there is nothing to be sought for ‘out there’, there is only that which to trust ‘in here’.
It happened so fast and so fierce. A shot of growth, and a hit of transformation.
I realized quickly that I had been taking everything I had built and had been cultivating for granted.
I realized that with the impact and difference I aim to make in the world – I needed to get my ass back to the city.
The moment I finalized my decision to go back (which was a whole ride in and of it self) it was like the city was waiting for me with open arms, doors were flying open, opportunities popping up and support surfacing like crazy.
It’s almost like this was not just needed for personal growth, but also needed to give the city and my environment a chance to miss me and for me to miss them.
A chance to value each other in a new way.
I realized that my intuition brought me here, and my intuition was sending me back. Because even though it didn’t turn out the way I imagined it would, I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am that it turned out to be EVERYTHING I needed, as challenging as it may have been.
The lessons, the reminders, the profound insights.
I will be hitting the ground running when I set foot back in Amsterdam, starting the year with so much new energy and insight, with the people I adore, and with so many beautiful things on the way.
Sometimes things not turning out the way you though they would, is the biggest blessing there is.
How much easier life would be if we would recognize this more often, no?